2010-03-03
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I haven't bothered with the doctor yet. Not sure what I'm going to do yet.
I've been getting back into the gym, which is good. My resting heart rate when I was working out regularly was between 68-72. A few weeks ago it was 114-125 while just sitting on the couch. It's back down to 82 now resting.
I've joined a support program for all around health that starts in 2 weeks. The part that is going to suck is that they are going to tell us how we need support through the journey. I'm lucky that I have M and EvilG and Mel. G and Mel are going to be my big cheerleaders. I'm not telling my family or other coworkers.
I know Mel and G will always have my back. They are the two in life I know that of. I have to admit, I've never trusted anyone enough to tell my whole world to and after how those closest to me have treated me, I never will.
I've had too many monsters in my life and it sucks to deal with, but I'm not giving up. There are good people in the world, I just don't seem to have the means to find and keep them.
I've never had trust because of my mother. I thought I had it with the ex and didn't. I've never been able to fully give with M. I've always been able to wrap my heart up in tin foil and keep the feelings inside.
Maybe that is something to be proud of. Maybe it means I've just never found the person to let it all out to. Mostly it's that I never trust anyone to really give a shit about me and except for a very few cases, I've been completely right about that.