2009-09-23
it's a kleenex day for me
This morning the alarm went off, I got up, shut it off, went to the bathroom, then climbed back into bed. I'd no more than shut my eyes again when I had the most intense memory I've had in a long time. Had I not been completely awake, I would have assumed it was a dream.
I was at my friend Pat�s house, walking through her kitchen. I can hardly type this because just thinking of it brings me to instance tears. I was remembering the last time I walked before my car crash. Ok, I can�t type it without crying. I remembered the feeling of my boots across her carpet. I remember the ease of movement. I remember just the feeling of walking without thinking. I could feel in my head how it felt to walk out of her house, get in my car � and that�s where I stopped myself.
There is no way to explain the difference between then and now. Then I just moved. Now I think before I move. Then I just did things. Now I think �how bad will it hurt� before I go to stand.
Then something else came into my head.
I forgave him.
Him � Jonathon Brand � the guy who took away my normal and gave me a new normal.
I still hate what he did to me. I still hate that he was so irresponsible to not bother sleeping more than a few hours at a time then getting behind the wheel of a car. To me, driving sleep deprived is no different than driving drunk or drugged. You�ve made a choice to drive regardless of being inpaired. I will always be angry at him for making that decision.
But today I was able for the first time to say �he didn�t set out to do this to me.�
He�s still a jerk for trying to blame in on me and fleeing the state. I will always consider him someone with questionable morals and huge character flaws, but I have finally forgiven him in my heart. I no longer want to cripple him in the eye for an eye fashion. Humph, it only took me about 16 years. What can I say? I must be good at holding grudges�
Is it weird how much lighter I feel after forgiving him? I thanked God for bringing this to me, because it wasn�t something I was actively seeking, but He must have known I needed it. I�m not a go to church kind of girl, but I have my beliefs. It was nice to tell God how much I hate being handicapped, how much I miss walking normal, and as only He can seem to do, He gave me the memory of how much closer to normal I can walk when I weigh less. Nothing like starting the day with God telling you He�s not cosigning your b.s. today.