2008-04-22
the day after
The remaining day and last night were not good for me. My friend did explain to me that part of why she told me was that she was so shocked my mother would say those things, not just to her, but in front of her new boyfriend. Yes, my mother went on a rant about how bad and ungrateful I am to someone I haven’t even met yet. She said she was shocked how rude and hurtful my mother really is and how she just doesn’t understand how my mother can’t see what a good person I am.
My mother is the way she is. Really, nothing shocks me any more. She could erect a giant billboard in the middle of town expressing her disappointment in me and I would not be stunned what so ever. That isn’t what bothers me any more.
What bothers me is that it still hurts.
It hurts like a giant knife wound and I don’t know how to not let it hurt.
So I binged and I purged because I know how to handle that pain. Plus that pain keeps the real pain away. I’m not sure what the magnitude of feeling the complete pain of my mother’s rejection would be. I could hope I’d be stronger, but I fear I would crumble.
I just talked to my 29-yr-old niece, as she understands, being a frequent target of my mother as well. Her sister, who is 33, is also a target. It’s a wonder my mother keeps track of which girl she is bashing to which girl! Mother trashed me to my friend and when I was there to see the mother Sunday, she trashed the 29-yr-old to me. We don’t know if she doesn’t know we talk or if that’s part of her plan. Knowing her, she thinks it’s something that pulls us apart. It does the opposite, it makes us even closer.
As my niece said this morning she’s jealous of me, of my relationships with my nieces, and of any female who gets my father’s attention. She also lamented on the fact that it’s a true shame that she doesn’t know how to be a nice person, a good mother, or a good grandmother.
The other thing that really bugs me is that she keeps saying I’m ungrateful. What I am ungrateful for apparently is my parents taking care of me after the car crash. After all she did for me, I have not repaid her. That is why a parent takes care of a child, for the payback, correct?
Let’s ignore the fact that she wanted to put me in the county home and let them take care of me. Let’s ignore the fact that she only ever focused on me being handicapped. Let’s also ignore the fact that dad did just as much, if not more, for me and so far hasn’t submitted a bill for his services!
What I cannot forget is that since the crash almost 15 years ago, it’s been all about what she has gone through. It’s all about the sacrifices she made. It’s all about her having a handicapped daughter. It’s all about how her life changed. It’s all about her suffering.
Never once has she ever made reference to what I I went through. I was the one in the car. I was the one cut out. I was the one in the ambulance having her close cut off. I was the one on the emergency room table. I was the one who had to be life lined to another hospital. I was the one who had surgery for 12 hours. I was the one in pain so bad I begged to die. I was the one who had to fight tooth and nail to get back every little single thing I’ve gotten back. Oh, and I’m the one who is still dealing with what happened, mentally and physically!
It’s all about her seeing the rescue work being done. Them having to follow the ambulance to the hospital. Them having to drive to the city they flew me to. Her having to wait all day for me to get out of surgery. On and on about how hard it all was for her.
I am just incidental. I am just the cause of all that is wrong in her life.
I realize that is her problem and her mental issue. I know how totally warped her perception of life is. I know that I deserve so much better. I know that I am so much more than the person she tries to make me.
But it still hurts.
No, she still hurts…
Me.