2008-03-07
it was a dark and stormy life ....
Yesterday was a big step for me. I went to an Indian buffet for lunch. I ate all that I wanted. I ate slowly, savoring it all. I ate too much, way too much. For a split second I thought “I can go purge this …”
Then I thought “but I’m not going to.”
For once I was able to ask myself “and how’s that working for you?” It hasn’t been. It only feeds into the cycle of negativity. My negativity is what is holding me back.
Whoaaaaaa! MY negativity? But negativity is the trait that I detest most in my mother and people like her. That inane ability to look at the dark side of anything and help others do the same makes me cringe.
I suddenly have realized that I am looking at my body totally through my mother’s eyes. It’s my mother’s eyes that views the fat and the physical limitations and says “you can’t,” “you shouldn’t,” and perhaps the worst, “how can you stand yourself?”
For years I’ve been hanging onto one little part of myself without even realizing it was my life line. It’s that little part that says “let’s see what I can do.” I’ve always had that in me, but in the majority of cases I’ve had someone (mom) there to tell me what I can isn’t enough. I still have a hard time thinking about when I was 189 pounds and she grabbed a fat roll and said “you’ll never get rid of this.” In one single action all that I had accomplished had been diminished to not being enough.
Such is the story of my life. The old story, the one that is an utter work of fiction. I’m ready to write myself a new story.
Chapter 1 …
I got on the scale yesterday and saw a nice number. One of those hopeful views that the scale gives you to tease you into feeling like you are on the right track. My momentary thought was “this is where you screw it up.” No, it’s where I used to screw it up. That’s the past, and as I mentioned earlier, that thinking hasn’t gotten me too far.
This morning I got on the scale and I was up quite a bit. One of those over night changes that make you feel like the previous day was not just a tease, but a taunting middle finger gesture. Did I think “there ya’ go, you fucked it up?” No, I said “well that’s no surprise; I have 3 pounds of Indian food in me at least!” Plus when I got up this morning I had felt a change in the way my fat lays. That part is hard to explain, but people who are rather extra-gifted with body fat know what I mean. I think I’ve described them in the past as sink holes. It’s kind of like punching down dough, there is a dent. I’ve got that going and I’m thrilled.
Since I am a pure emotional eater, I’m working very hard on learning to say “um, not my problem you are acting like that towards me and I’m sure as hell not going to punish myself for your behavior.” I’m hoping with practice this turns simply into “ok, whatever” and I move on with my life.
So there you go, my life has gone once again in a cycle from dark to light. This time I’m going to not only embrace the light, but I’m going to work on cultivating it. I deserve no less.