2008-01-25
gotta have faith? meh ....
By far the hardest thing about losing weight, eating healthy and going to the gym is having the faith that it’s all worth it.
Can I be honest? Ok, here it goes. I don’t remember how it felt to be normal in size. I kind of remember being normal in size (ok, fucking tiny!) I sort of remember being able to run and play with no effort at all. I remember the start of the weight. I don’t really remember my body though. I know it was growing in ways I didn’t want it to, but I never paid enough notice to recall it now.
What I do remember is the shopping. Sears and the “pretty plus” section stand out. While they may have been plus, they were not even close to the clothes my friends were wearing. I remember mom getting me guy’s jeans because it was easier to find the bigger waists. They were from the farm store, so they were stiff as boards when you first bought them and eventually softened after 10,000 so washes. When the other girls were wearing designer jeans, I was wearing “work tuff” jeans.
In junior high, the vice principal mistook me for a boy … in front of my entire chorus class. I still remember sobbing in the hall after class, some friends comforting me and calling him a big brown turd. (side note, I saw him last month, after almost 25 years and my first thought was “oh, it’s the big brown turd … what’s his name?!”)
I’ve always been fat … that’s what I’m familiar with. I know though, that this isn’t what I have to be. I know fat can be lost, I know it can be kept off. To actually do so though is a leap of faith.
It takes a lot of faith in what can happen to invest all the time and work. Weight loss is slow and hard. Anyone who says it’s not hard work hasn’t had a lot to lose. It’s so hard not to think about how you might just be spinning your wheels for nothing.
I’ve been fat forever, how can I believe my body can change?
That’s been something I’ve been pondering a lot in the last few months. Is it all worth it? Is it all possible? I’m eating better, working out, and …. *sigh*
Two things have happened this week that show me that it’s never ever too late for a body to change. My car crash was 14 years ago. Wednesday I was able to do the seated fly machine at the gym. Not only that, but with 25 pounds of weight. My left arm did it’s share, pulling hard and not bending into a distorted shape as it’s want to do when put in a weakling situation.
Today for an odd reason I decided to see if I could stand on my left leg and balance on just it alone. This is a skill that has eluded me since the crash. Not only has my balance sucked hard, but my left leg just hasn’t ever been strong enough. Until today that is…
What does all this mean? It means that years later I can still reclaim what was lost from my body. I never questioned that I couldn’t, I just went forth blindly, assuming what I was doing to and for myself would help in some way. I didn’t mess around with faith, I just did what I did and reaped the benefits.
Why hasn’t this applied to my weight?
Oh … it just has …
Go forth blindly and just see what happens…
Novel concept, eh?