2007-12-07
my handicapped attitude adjustment
Today I am feeling very much like the fatty fat fattykins I am. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t been to the gym in forever? Perhaps its because I went through a huge b/p cycle for a few weeks? Perhaps its because I’ve been eating too much now but telling myself it’s fine because I’m keeping it down? Perhaps it’s because my jeans are too tight?
Wait, perhaps it’s all of the fucking above!
The biggest thing in my head is that I haven’t felt positive about myself in a few weeks. I don’t know if it’s the seasonal downs or what? I know my mother exclaiming numerous times over Thanksgiving “you’re losing weight!” didn’t help. Yeah, I know, I so have to get over that.
I’m also stress eating over snow. As in I just hate driving in it when there is traffic because people are so damn stupid and careless. Three weeks from today will be the 14th “anniversary” of my car crash. Oddly every year when I leave for Christmas break at work my main thought is “hope I come back again this time!” as I didn’t last time.
Today I feel better though. Strangely enough, I owe it to a forum for disabled people. It’s primarily for people in wheelchairs, mostly from paralysis. There were some amazing stories at the site, but frankly it was the negatives that kicked me in the ass. Not once was it about “oh look, these folks have it so much worse than me.” That wasn’t what I got out of it. While I did take a few moments to realize just how lucky I was, it wasn’t so much about the physical part that struck me.
First off, when I found the site I didn’t realize it was primarily paralysis. While jumping around and looking at things, I realized I didn’t fit in to any of their categories. That was fine, actually I kind of laughed because I’ve known for a long time I am a square peg in the round hole of life.
I started reading to see if I could at least relate.
I couldn’t.
For the most part I was shaking my head and thinking “thank God I’m not like some of these people!”
Not because of them being in a wheel chair, but because some of them were just complete fucking dickheads! I was totally shocked how many presented the attitude that the world should revolve around them because they are handicapped. There was quite a bit of slamming of the able bodied folks too. Just nasty shit like “I don’t know why stupid people think because I’m in a wheelchair I can’t open the door to the store! I wish they’d leave me alone!” Um, maybe they are opening it because they have manners? I wondered if they would be thinking “what? Do they think I’m handicapped or something???” if they were able bodied and someone opened the door? It was so tempting to post asking them “ok, if you don’t want or appreciate help with the door because you can do it yourself, does that mean you would open it for someone else and let them go through?” I think a few of them would have ran over little old ladies with walkers because they were able bodied and slow. Seriously, that was the mentality. There was a great deal of venom towards ABs (able bodied’s.)
There were some posts that just reamed people who hadn’t been in a wheel chair. People who had other issues that limited their mobility, but damn it, they weren’t on wheels!
I had no clue the handicapped community could be so exclusive! I found out that I’m between the two worlds. I’m not disabled enough that they’d accept me, even though I did a 7 year tour in a chair, but I’m not completely able bodied either. I think I’d have a lot of “oh yeah, but you got out! You’re not one of us any more! Go to hell!”
Yeah, it sucks to be handicapped. It sucks to be in a wheelchair some times. I can’t say all the time because quite honestly, nothing beats being pushed through the mall! If you are being pushed in the chair it’s all good. If you try to find an adult sized stroller, you’re not only out of luck, but you are booked for a Springer episode called “my big baby.”
It’d suck to be a lot of other things though too, I imagine. Doesn’t everyone have something in their life that at one time or another just sucks big green donkey dicks? As much as I hate not being fully an AB, I hate being broke way more!
I saw something in these people that I’d never seen in myself, no matter what my physical problems are; they were completely defined by their wheels and that was how they colored their whole lives. Not only were their lives centered on being wheeled, they made it their being and their source of entitlement, their source of pain, their source of self righteousness, and their source of pity.
Yes, I’m lucky. I used to think it was because I lived. Now I realize the luck isn’t in the living, but in how I have lived what I’ve been given. Being “made” disabled by your own or anyone’s actions sucks so hard. Being born into your disability has to suck hard too. Beyond that though, what sucks the most is not being able to be someone beyond your handicap.
I’m handicapped. I’m a gimp *evil grin* I’m also white. I’m also fat. I’m also mostly grey haired. I’m farsighted. I’m impatient. I’m strong willed. I’m so many other things, but that’s what makes me … me. Make me ME, not define ME.
Some things are just part of what is. They can’t be changed, they don’t have to be accepted peacefully, but they have to be giving a rank of what importance they have in your life and your living.
How’s that for deep thinking?
*just a note, not ALL the people on this site were this negative. There were some awesome folks who were like "yeah, the accident sucked, but hey my life kicks ass now!