2007-10-12
I think it's two lefts after the unicorn .... and a drive thru order of pixie dust ...
Last night I attempted a huge step backwards, totally ignoring what healthy things I’ve been doing for a full week. Ha ha ha, guess what? My body was fucking pissed at me! Silly me, I’ve been following a calorie intake for a week and apparently this means my stomach cannot handle eating large amounts of shit in a short period of time. Yeah, I know I have been getting full faster and easier, but damn it, I want to still be able to do my stupid thing now and then!
You know, unless it causes great physical pain and true sickness. Have I ever mentioned that I’m only good at puking when I’ve set out to do that? If I think I’ve over eaten I can hurl my toe nails up in a heartbeat. If I’m actually sick, I will whimper and cry like a baby, unwilling to barf even if I know I’ll feel better. After over a half hour of wanting to burst my stomach with a pin to relieve pressure I did get violently ill. It was so not my b/p thing. I did the binge and I was honestly willing to own it and had even put the calories into my cardio watch. Tummy tum tum had a completely different view on things. Oh did it hurt. Bah, I don’t want to do that any more. No way. Nothing I eat is ever going to be worth that pain. NOTHING.
So I told myself that today is a whole new day and to get a freaking grip. I know that part of me is frustrated and scared that this again, is not going to work. You know, counting calories and how many my body needs won’t work for me, it’s only everyone else in the entire world that can lose weight by that. Not me! There isn’t any scientific evidence I can use, but I swear I can only lose weight through a combination of pixie dust and flat out miracles. Cuz I’m special that way, you know?
Of course I think that because the scale isn’t down to my low of a few weeks back. Okay, a month and a half ago. I mean, shouldn’t one week of doing what I should be doing erase six weeks of fucking around? Yeah, in my pixie dust miracle world (filled with unicorns and rainbows!) this is how it goes.
Plus I took my measurements for the first time since August and I’m thrilled *note, this was typed with an eye roll emphasis for sarcasm* to say that I’ve gained inches in most places, stayed the same in some, and lost in my calves and ankles. Go team Karen!
So I’m bigger and heavier. Joy. Oh let me count the ways that I want to embrace this life style! Oh let me smack myself upside the head with a clue by four and face some other things that contradict the so called facts!
My too tight jeans all fit.
That’s right, every fucking pair of jeans I own have been too tight. All of them were at the stage where you can zip them but sitting them makes more than a muffin top. More like they cut off my circulation and leave a deep red imprint of the button in my gut.
I’m wearing one now, sitting all nice and comfie, and wore a pair yesterday.
Pardon me oh dieting gods, but could you please explain just how the hell this works???
Now mind you, I’m not complaining that my jeans fit. My complaint is that every single time I try to figure out what the fuck I’m doing, I get forced to realize I don’t know shit and never will. Maybe that’s the whole point? Maybe this is a big sign to just keep at it and what happens happens?
My measurements are bigger but my jeans fit better.
Hello? How is that? I can explain the weight away, I’ve been putting on muscle. That will make the scale tell half truths, but inches don’t lie!
Or do they?
Bastards!
By the way … I did lose four pounds this week.
I need to quit over thinking this process and ride the waves!
I’m getting some where, I just don’t know where or for that matter how. Guess that makes it a real adventure now doesn’t it?