2007-09-04
I'm no track star and the hurdle's on fire
Have you ever had something that bothered you so deeply, but really had no one to talk to about it? No one who will get it any how? No one who will not hand you the stock reply of “well, that IS your mother!” A big part of that is I’m sick of that being an excuse. That doesn’t help me accept what she says and thinks. Even the ridiculously stupid comments, ones that I should be able to brush off, hurt. Especially this one.
It’s been estabilished that my mother was/is jealous of me. From what I gather, my existence some how takes away from hers. Oddly enough the topic came up this weekend because my middle niece and I were discussing how my mother acts. MN and I caught my mother in a lie. Even better, she lied about the lie. My niece confronted her about the lie and she claimed she never said it. Then she said she knew who’d told her because she only told me. Well, then my mother (after I got pissed at her for other things) threw this at me while I was leaving, saying MN told me that you told her XXXX and she made sure to set me straight. Now keep in mind this was said in a tone that implied my niece and I were some how bad people for the incident. I said “yes, I did ask her about it, because I couldn’t believe it was true!” I told my mother, while walking out the door, that I don’t blame MN for setting her straight since she was telling people MN did something SHE DIDN’T DO!
MN had told me earlier in the week that she busted mom on this and I’d probably get ripped a new one for saying what I said. This lead to me calling her and letting her know that mom had laid into me. We started sharing mom/grandma tidbits and mom’s jealousy came up. Mom is displaying a lot of the behaviors she did towards me when I was little to MN’s daughter, who is 4. My mother is jealous that great niece is close to my dad. She has begun saying things and acting out in a way that shows her jealousy. I commented that I was all too familiar with this. My niece then made the statement that is festering deep inside me.
My mother feels my car crash was done on purpose so that I could get attention and I use my crash and injuries to gain attention. Like I had time to avoid it and instead thought “hey, people will really pay attention to me if I am a cripple!”
Yes, I know how many levels of wrong there are in this thinking. It wasn’t my fault, the blame was legally put on him. I had no time to react, let alone ponder the after effects. Why would I risk my life (and passengers in the other vehicle) if I could have avoided it? I’ve never been an attention seeker, nor have I been one to talk about my injuries on a regular basis.
All that aside, what keeps going around and around inside me is that my mother could even think such a vile thing. That she could think so …. demented about me … it’s so very overwhelming. To come up with this conclusion obviously shows a mental imbalance in her thinking, but seriously, how can I not hurt from this?
Thinking on this made me realize one very important thing: my weight is to punish her, not me. I know how much she hates having a fat daughter. I know how she wishes I was pretty and thin (yet, doesn’t want me to have attention, hence helping me get fat) The rage that I have inside for a life long treatment like this is too much to swallow. I am going to be angry. I am going to let it out. I am not, however, going to forget or forgive. I’m not ready for that. I’m not ready to proclaim “and I will never let her dictate my weight again.”
I know what I want … and I know I want it for me. This is just one more hurdle. Sadly this is one of the most painful ones to jump.