2007-06-25
still breathing in and out
I’m a pit of hunger today that cannot be filled. I have been this pit for almost the whole weekend and I’ve been feeding it. Oh, not keeping it, just going in that same old familiar, yet stupid, cycle.
It all started with a very innocent comment, which said by anyone else in the world, would have gone by in a blip: “those pants make you look like you’ve lost 20 pounds.”
Not just anyone said that. It was my mother. This means she has already noticed in some way that I’m smaller, pants or not. And so it begins, the comments. Going forward means there will be more comments, unwanted in whole. It scared the fucking shit out of me. I made no reply to her. I just started the self sabatoge.
Theoretically I should be able to say “all comments on my size and appearance is off limits.” In theory she would then abide to this. Frankly theories mean nothing in my family. She feels that it’s her right to comment and even more so, she has a duty to comment because she is the MOTHER.
This is for me. Me. Meeeee. I’m pounding that into my head. Even if it takes a rubber mallet and numerous swings, I will get that through my head. I’m having a lot of problems right now with wanting to eat. I know I am not hungry, but I swear the void wanting food is monsterous and screaming for food.
Deep breath … in … out … in … out.
This is my journey and I am still on it.