2007-05-18
what a day!
It’s only a little past 7:30 a.m. and I can say it’s already been a hell of a day.
I could not get out of bed this morning to save my life. When I finally did I got on the scale. Got quite a shock from that little machine.
Started to get dressed and realized my favorite jeans were in the dryer. Only they weren’t. They were in the washer, but fortunately not washed and therefore wet. I pulled them out and did the sniff test, deciding they were ok. It was then that I saw a four inch fray directly in the seam that separates my ass cheeks. Did I mention these were my favorite jeans? *sigh*
I pulled out a pair of jeans that I didn’t think would fit and I was able to zip and button them. Unfortunately I couldn’t bend or breathe in them. My only other jeans were in my car, in my gym bag, where I forgot them last night when I came home. I waddled out there, got those jeans, and finished dressing.
I walked into the kitchen and sneezed on myself. While it’s quite fascinating to know my snot dries with a glossy finish, the spot on my shirt looks less than classy. Thankfully that has been washed off during on of what is going to be many bathroom visits.
Why many? I don’t know for sure, but by the time I got to work this morning the pressure build up pushing at my sphincter was pretty damn scary. I’m trying to do the poo dash down the street to my building when I hear my name right behind me, scaring a small amount of shit out of my ass. Joy. It was a co-worker on a bike. I cheerily replied to her “good morning” even though I now had a hole in the shit damn and a flash flood was threatening. I’m polite that way, you know?
I couldn’t get my key in the door, then I tripped myself with my lunch bag before finally getting down the steps and to the nearby bathroom. I flung all my stuff to the floor and made a bee line to the nearest stall. The salad I had last night, you know, in hopes of being healthy, came flying out of my ass with a majestic power reserved usually for fire hoses or super heroes. Either way I think my ass hanging out of a helicopter spraying my shit could have put out all the wild fires there have been in the states this last week. Sure, it’d stink and little pieces of carrots in it, but what would be worse, burned out houses or shit covered ones? Hmmm? Think hard on that one before answering, ok?
So I finally make it to my desk, log on, and our servers are fucked up today. Thankfully I have work to do on the one program that works. Yeah me. I dug that out and promptly sneezed. Luckily I had enough time to turn my head away from my computer and instead sneeze directly into the vent of my space heater. Nothing like cleaning a giant snot ball off that.
All this before 7:30 folks! Am I an over achiever or what???
Know what? None of it matters. I said the scale shocked me right? For once it was in a good way. ’Nuff said on that!
TGIF anyone?