2007-03-15
a very scary close call
When I left the house this morning I momentarily pondered the thought of going to the bathroom, but since the clock was already showing I was running late, I thought “eh, I’ll just wait ‘til work.”
Half way to work, directly in the middle of Bumblefuck, Egypt, my body oh so gently screamed “I gotta shit!!!!!!!!!” I calmly told my body that I was aware of this, it was not some kind of phenomenon, and in good time it would happen.
Less than a mile more traveled and I was looking at houses in the dark thinking “wow, wouldn’t they be shocked to find a foot long poo log on their driveway?” I turned the temp on the fan to cooler, since we all know that cooler air … slows poop down?? (um, really, I doubt it’s been a scientific study, but perhaps it should be. I’m just saying …)
I finally reached civilization, you know, a place where a gas station was, and my sphincter said “no, no, it’s ok, you just go on to work. Nothing to see here!”
Ahh that damn practical joker! As I’m driving by my building my intestinal track must some how be aware that the very bathroom it was going to be relieved in was right there! I swear to god, if my shit had hands it would have been clapping with excitement!
I do believe I set a new land record for myself as I hustled my way in to the office. I’m walking as fast as I can with a turtle in my ass. Hell, I would have tried running, but I was afraid the shock of it would cause my body to momentarily forget that the sphincter must … stay …closed. [Said with an ominous tone, much in the vein of Jam.es Earl Jo.nes]
As I’m burning a path to the bathroom, a co-worker starts to talk to me. It was something about the time change, but honestly I wasn’t listening. How can you when your shit is crawling out of your ass like a thirsty man crawling through the desert to an oasis?
Thankfully, as you are all eager to know, I made it. Glorious relief was mine! Behold the coiled snake of stench and celebrate escaping the horror known only as shitting one’s self.
The rest of the day should be a breeze!