2007-01-24
this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine~
Today I can honestly say something I haven’t been able to say in years.
I am not in pain.
I’m not sure when it evolved into something so bad, I wanted to die, but it had. Only I didn’t get that it was a giant contributing factor to my depression. Since my car crash I was thrust instantly into the world of arthritis pain. Granted at that exact time other pain was far more prominent than simple arthritis, good ol’ arthritis and I had joined forces.
In the last six or seven months it’s been so bad that I whimper when I get up. I actually had to psych myself up to get up from where I was sitting, be it couch, office chair, or toilet. It was routine to think “oh man, this is going to hurt” when I’d get up and start walking. Saying it sucked was such an understatement. A big part of me not going to the gym lately has been that it takes a good four to five days for me to be out of mind numbing pain and back to even considering another venture. I’ve known that my weight gain just makes it worse, but what do you do when what you need to do cripples you?
You sink even further into a hopeless depression. You give up. You feel like it’s not going to matter, this is the quality of your life, for whatever time you have left. Then you begin wishing for less time left. Not suicidal, merely very tired of living.
I’ll admit that I feel like a fool not making this connection earlier, that the pain was such a cause of the depression. Then again I think of how I told Dr. Satan in a lab coat that I was having so much joint pain and she told me I need to get over my car crash and move on. It never occurred to her that the two might go hand in hand.
I called my doctor (Dr. H, the good guy) yesterday primarily about a new anti-depressant, and was offered an appointment just a few hours after I called. It was after I hung up that I thought “damn it, I’m going to ask him about something for my arthritis too.” I will never ever deviate seeing different doctors again. NEVER! He told me we’d get rid of the pain, I’d get back on plan, and in the mean time, buy pants with elastic until I fit back into my jeans. After all “that’s why they invented elastic waists! But don’t buy spandex, no one should ever buy spandex! *shudder*
Abbyberry can attest to my lack of patience though. Two hours after downing the pill I was frustrated it wasn’t working, even though he said it might take a week to feel different. I did feel a little better last night before I went to bed. When I got up this morning I went about my normal business (got up, went to the potty, stumbled around thinking what I wanted to wear, etc.) It wasn’t until I had gone from sitting to standing a few times that I realized something felt different. Still I couldn’t put a finger on it until the second time I went to the bathroom (thank you to Lorster and her sauerkraut soup!)
My legs felt weird. Odd I’d even say. It was like the sun rising on my little brain when I realized I wasn’t in pain! By the time I left for work and was driving, I was tearing up. I stopped to get gas, which was something I’d been putting off as long as I could because of the pain of getting out of the car, and it didn’t hurt to get out of the car. I didn’t have to stand and let my legs get used to the idea that they had to work again. All morning I’ve been just standing right up and walking. I feel alive again. I feel hope again.
My tunnel has a light at the end again ... and for once there is no train barreling down the tracks at me.