2007-01-19
letting it all out
I finally took a positive step and went to a weight loss forum and posted. During the course of reading and responding, I realized something.
I am angry.
I don’t mean “a little upset.” I mean pissed out of my fucking mind mad. I mean choke the living life out of someone mad.
I am angry.
I am angry that when I was going to WW the leader made me feel like shit for exercising. Now I cannot even remember her name, but to her I would like to say this:
Fuck you with a two-by-four for discouraging me, making me feel like a failure, and setting the seed in me to give up. I hate you, you suck, and you should be kept away from overweight people. Hell, you should be kept away from people. Go back to your farm and stay there. I’m sure you’d be so negative the crops wouldn’t grow too.
I am angry at the doctor who was so hideously mean to me in December. I can’t remember her name either, but here’s how I feel about her:
Fuck you with a four-by-four filled with rusty nails. I hate you so much, it makes me want to spit. You don’t give a shit about people, you pretend to understand, and you have a pea sized brain if you think your attitude encourages people to make positive changes. Know what your attitude did? Put another brick in the sack I carry on my back every day.
I am angry at Wonder, my former personal trainer. Why? Because when I started having the weight gain and getting frustrated I emailed and phoned her. I never got a reply. To her I say this:
You taught me a lot about weights and exercise, but you taught me more about trust and blowing smoke up someone’s ass. Isn’t is amazing that you blew me off when the check was cashed. You got your money, fuck the person. Thanks for all the promises to “be there” when it got rough. “I’m gaining and I’m frustrated, do you have suggestions?” was too much for you to reply to. I would still love to be a motivational speaker some day and I would still love to be a personal trainer as well. Thank you for the valuable lesson. You just don’t treat people like you did. It hurts and chips away at them. Not to mention if you lie about one thing, then you easily lie about it all. Why would I believe anything good you said about me. You didn’t mean it, you wanted my money. Fuck you and fuck you hard. You may have a perfect body, but you bite as a person. That really broke my heart. I was so in awe of you, what you’d accomplished, and what you told me I could accomplish. Now I feel like it was all fake and I hate you for that.
I am angry at Mel. You made a pact with me that we’d meet after I got off work and hit the gym. Once you met me. ONCE. Fuck you. I love you to death, but you are on your own, as am I.
I am angry at everyone who doesn’t listen to what I am saying but tells me what to do any how. I am mad that you don’t feel like supporting and encouraging me is worth the effort to listen to me. You are suppose to be my support system. Don’t tell me it’s okay to skip the gym, remind me why I need to go. Praise me when I do. Pick me up when I blow it. Don’t fucking pat me on the head and give me your god damn fucking “oh well” attitude.
I am angry at myself for forgetting I can do this. I can. I will. I am.
I don’t want this to just be a pissed off angry rant. Granted by the tears falling down my cheeks this is what I’ve needed. It’s not been all bad. There has been good.
Lorster- thanks for trying. I know you always have my back.
Abby- thanks for understanding and for trying, even though I try your patience.
Dre- hugs are always good. Always.
Pantry- I haven’t forgotten the brain exercises, I’ve just ignored them. Feel free to kick me any time.
Everyone who tries … thank you.
And lastly … Brandon. You have no idea that the time you spent talking with me months ago has been a constant part of me. Sure, I push it down, I ignore it, I try not to believe it, I pretend what you see isn’t part of me. Today I remember that it is. I don’t know (or care) if that time we spent talking even registers on your radar, that’s not the purpose of that conversation. You shared, you cared, and you encouraged. It’s my fault I didn’t put that all first. It’s time. Oh yes my friend, it’s time. Thank you.
Edited because I just read my notes:
Mia, Cranky, & 40- thank you very much for the caring, the advice, and the understanding. I'm taking it all in. I might need help keeping it all in though, okay?