2007-01-18
does the truth set you free?
I suck at reaching out for help. Totally and completely. I think part of it lies in the fact that the few times I do I don’t get much back. Yeah, some of the people try, but either they get frustrated or I get frustrated.
Right now I am in deep hate with life. Not all of life, just the parts I have control over and choose not to. My weight would be a huge part of that. Nothing fits. I have one pair of jeans that fit. One. If anything happens to this pair, it’s the end for me. I refuse to buy more. I just hope to God that isn’t what it takes to motivate me.
You’d think having a closet full of clothes (okay, one at M’s house and my entire whole old wardrobe that is in storage) would be incentive enough. No, apparently it’s not. If my underwear not fitting doesn’t motivate me, what will? Creeping even closer to that un-magical 3 number on the scale isn’t even doing it. Sure, I look at it, cuss, tear up, then console myself with food because I figure, what the hell is the purpose.
I think the biggest thing is hearing I am “worth the work.” Yes, I know I am. At the same time I think about the reality of losing well over a hundred pounds. It’s huge. It’s incomprehensible. Even worse it hammers home the fact that I am as big as I am. Do I have to expand on how much that sucks?
I should call my doctor and see about yet another med for depression, but I’m so sick of that cycle too. Counseling would be a great option if it were free and it would really stick. See, I know the stupid little answers to the stupid little questions they ask. That’s why insurance doesn’t pay! I say the right things, respond the right way, and underneath the surface I am screaming “this is so completely stupid because I don’t believe you!”
It’s lonely. It’s dark. It hurts. It’s far worse than being the last one picked for a team, it’s more like being the only one not told there was a bus waiting to take you to the zoo for the day and not hearing about it until the bus was long long gone. It’s this complete feeling that not only doesn’t anyone get you but they don’t really want to try. Toss in the anger at myself for being where I am … well, it just makes for an unhappy me.
Sorry for such a downer entry. In all truth writing this and posting it is taking a lot of courage for me. We’ll see if it stays up.